Google to Claim Clam

Google to Claim Clam

Last week, tech giant Google secured a patent on research for a processor two times faster than the leading Intel processor.  So what’s the real ‘mussel’ behind Google’s new processor chip? Mollusk meat. So how will it work? ‘Well, we’re not quite sure yet,’ stated Google emplyee Vance Bagger. Despite Google’s refusal to come out of its shell, we do know the inside dig from a reporter from the “Weekly Leak.” Harry Constantine purported that, according to a Google employee briefing, ‘the clams will be harvested and stored for several weeks until the meat is about to turn rancid. In this very small window, usually only lasting a few hours, this pre-pubescent-pearl becomes a superconductor.’

Shell I ask?
So what will it mean using organic material in a computer chip? Besides the limited supply, some feel that this will be more unstable than synthetic silicon. However, Google went digging for clams and found gold: this new superconductor will be cheaper and faster than the existing silicon and earn them even more spotlight for this discovery.

Why clams? Clams, like oysters, have no eyes, ears, or noses, so they cannot see, hear, or smell. But they sure can pass electrons quickly. Clams have a large number of ‘feelers,’ or tiny hairy projections on their gills. When the clam’s shell is open, these hairs fan the water, which is rich with small organisms, into the clam’s small mouth. From there, the food (often parts of decaying fish flesh, or excrement) is digested in the stomach. Water and particles the clam cannot use flow out through the siphon, or neck.

Clams come in a great variety of sizes. The common quahog is about three to five inches across. But there are giant clams too, which are found on South Sea islands. These giant clams feed on the same microscopic food particles that smaller clams do. Giant clams may weigh up to 500 pounds, with shells measuring up to four feet across! That’s a whole mid-range server!

When a foreign particle such as a piece of sand or a parasite enters the oyster’s shell, these nacre-producing cells set to work, covering the particle with layer upon layer of the nacre substance, until the particle is completely enclosed. The color of the pearl will be the same as the nacre lining of the shell. That is why there are black (really a dark gray), pink, cream-colored, and white pearls. It takes a pearl-producing oyster about seven years to make a moderate-sized pearl! Instead of making expensive necklaces 7+ years in the making, clams at 2 years will now be utilized for the middle class.

Organizations such as PETA, MEETA, and RITA are feeling ostracized (and oyster-sized?) from the technology community as they protest the usage of clams and oysters in micro processors. “We’ve never had to face this before…” stated the spokesperson for MEETA, “but this is clearly cruel and unusual punishment – simply for being a clam!”

Other groups are more kind to the idea. The Conservative Rabbis of Eastern Washington (CREW) love the idea of using an animal, deemed unclean by the Torah, for something useful outside of human consumption.  Representative Aaron Levi of the self-named “Jew CREW” is, “fascinated by the power of creation” and feels that this is a logical step to take after a world coming to depend on fossils for fuel.

The Future
While the specifics of how it will work are still up in the air, Google has never started a venture that didn’t end in success. Except for Google Buzz and G+. We are always hoping for bigger, better, and faster. But sometimes we need to look back to the organics in nature to aid in our synthetic future. Will your next computer be partially organic? Maybe being cold and clammy isn’t such a bad thing after all.

[in case its not obvious, this is entirely BUNK]